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Post by Gomer Sting on Apr 22, 2010 22:06:44 GMT -5
Source: loz.l33th4x0r.de/the-wonderful-wizard-of-ag-level-60-t150.htmlReward: Ruby Boots of Ag (Secondary Defense! Walking Tank - 140 DR) [Obscure] Spoiler: Quest started Go to Port Foozle [Obscure] Spoiler: Clue #1 Why do you always end up back here? I mean, okay, so you were told to go on when you activated the quest, but apart from that, why do you always end up back here? Is it because your Uncle Vanquartash was a sailor and so the smell of fish, the sound of the sea or the appearance of salty seamen is just something that you associate with old, fond memories? Maybe so, or perhaps it's just because you think that the drunk is pretty funny when he starts his rendition of "Sing a Song of Sixpence" and then falls over. Actually... now that you think of it, why not go over right now and see what he's up to? Or down in... You duck and weave through the crowds that always pack the streets during the Wandsday market, past the fish vendors, around the tough sailors arm wrestling and zip past a man having an argument with a parrot salesman. "It's not pining, it's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker..." "Hmm..." you think, as you hurry on your way through the market, "say what you like about the Port Foozle sanitation department, but their recycling scheme seems to be booming..." Before you can say "cliché phrase" you're across the town, and poking around the back streets to try and find the Drunk. He's not normally difficult to track down, given his penchant for yelling obscenities at the clouds/moon/you, so you're slightly confused as to how he's keeping such a low profile. You spend the next hour checking through his usual haunts: the back alleys, the bars and only the most disreputable dustbins. You haul yourself out of the last dustbin that you checked and sit, disheartened, on the garbage scattered around the alley. No rustling under the nearby garbage, no muffled swearing, no- "Yarrgh, gerroff ya mangy vagabond!" You look down at what you've sat in and, curiously enough, it does look a lot like the Drunk. You get up quickly and help him to his feet, while he curses, swears, falls over and swears some more. You're used to seeing the Drunk... well, drunk, but you've never seen him this bad before. You lift him up and throw his arm over your shoulder. "I think we'd better get you to a doctor, and quick!" An hour later you're sitting in the waiting room of Port Foozle's best medical practice (Mick's Chop Shop). Across from you are sitting a kobold, a scarecrow and a lucksucker, none of whom look particularly happy to be there. You make eye contact for a second with the kobold, who looks startled for a moment, before reaching up to his mouth and pulling his mouth back to reveal his teeth. "Grrr, what're you lookin' at? Grrrrr!" "I... eh... nothing?" "Yeah, and don't you forget it. Grrr" "Eh... excuse me for asking, but why are you holding your mouth open like that, and why do you keep saying 'Grr'?" He stares at you for a moment before slumping forward, burying his face in his hands and bursting into tears. "I knew it wasn't working! I just knew it! How am I meant to be a tough, threatening kobold when I can't even snarl properly?!" You reach over and tentatively scratch behind his ears. "It's okay, I'm sure lots of kobolds have problems snarling viciously." "No, that's just it! They don't! I'm the only kobold without a snarl, and all the others tease me for it! Whenever I jump out to attack an adventurer they just laugh..." "Ha!" exclaimed the lucksucker, "you think that's bad? Try being an unlucky lucksucker! Every time I try to bet on something I lose, and every time I try to suck the luck out of some poor schmuck, they always turn out to be someone who's just won the lottery and used up all their luck! I'm the unluckiest lucksucker in all the land!" You leap to your feet, "Not to worry unlucky lucksucker and sissy kobold! I, the great adventurer, am very bored and have little else to do that's interesting, so I will help you find your good luck and your snarl!" You turn to the scarecrow sitting in the corner, "and what about you, my straw-filled friend? Are you here in search of a brain, or perhaps a heart?" "Em, no..." he mumbles, "actually I'm here because I got a little bit too 'close' to some of the animals in the field and picked up some kind of infection..." "Oh... eh... well, good luck with that... Well, anyone else need anything?" The door behind you bursts open and the drunk emerges, standing tall and proud. "Yersh! This 'ere quack tellsh me I needs a new liver! Yay!" "Oh, jeez, really?" you look him over, "that sounds like a pretty major medical issue. I mean, finding someone's snarl or getting some luck, they're kinda wishy-washy, but a whole new liver? Are you sure you wouldn't be better off in the care of qualified surgeons-" "Pfft! Hahaha, nope! It'll be fun! Cum'on, I know the perfect place! We's gotta go see the Wizzard of Ag!" He starts forward, marching determined towards the door, which he misses by several feet, trips over a chair and falls out the window with a crash. You exchange a look with your two new companions (the scarecrow now very interested in a copy of Alchemy that he found on the coffee table in front of him) and rush out the door. You pick up the drunk and hoist him over your shoulder. "Okay, so where are we going?" He opens his eyes a crack and mumbles "Wizzard'o'Ag... T'a gurff wood'and tail!" before collapsing against your shoulder again. "Em..." you look at the other two, "The gruff wood and tail? Did either of you get that? No? Hmm... Well I guess we'll just have to our best." [Obscure] Spoiler: Solution of Clue #1 Go to Gurth Woodland Trail
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Post by Gomer Sting on Apr 22, 2010 22:07:11 GMT -5
Clue #2 You're in the middle of pushing your way through one more piece of overgrown woodland when the Drunk suddenly shouts, "Aha!!! I knewed it! 'E couldn'ta been far!" and stumbles through a bush. "Damn it..." you mutter, before hurrying after him, "this had better not be like the last fourteen times that he thought he was onto something..."
You and your companions push through the bush after him. In the clearing ahead of you is a rundown shack which has not only seen better days, but better decades. Its roof is chequered with holes while the door hangs off its hinges. The lucksucker glides up behind you, "Man, I've got a really good feeling about this!" "You had a really 'good feeling' about it when that cruel puppet dropped down and started strangling me with its strings!" "Yes, but at least it was an interesting experience for you." "It knocked me unconscious and stole all my treasure!" "I said interesting, not good..."
You hurry after the Drunk and grab him just before he reaches the door. "Don't knock on it, with those brawler arms you'll probably punch it right off its hinges! Here, let me do it."
You raise your hand to rap gently on the wood, but before you even touch it the hinges creak with the strain of tortured rust, snap and the door falls to the ground with a thud. "Em..." "What the devil-" shrieks a voice from inside. "What have you done to the door?!" A raven flutters out of the shack, perches on top of one of the missing roof tiles, and looks at you sternly. "Well?" It snaps. "I, I, I, eh..." you look at the others, bewildered. "We're 'ere t'see the wizzard!" declares the drunk, managing to remain upright for all eight syllables. The bird shifts its gaze from you to him, "Don't I know you from somewhere?" "S'right, I useda come 'ere and scare bears fer yeh and the wizzard." "Oh yes, I remember! In return for hang-over cures? Well, the wizzard isn't here, he's away at some kind of gala event. The opening of a pathway into some new dimension made entirely out of granola, or something. I have no idea where it's being held." "You really have no idea where he went?" "Ha, you think he'd tell me? He doesn't want me to pig out on the spare eyeballs when he's gone, so he never tells me anything. He did bring his best set of enchanted poker chips and rigged dice, but he took his best nose too, so I don't know what's relevant and what's not." "Hmm, okay, well I guess that'll have to do. Thanks for your time and sorry again about the door." "Gawwrk, yeah, sure, you're sorry. You don't have to sit here and watch to make sure nothing wanders in and steals the jar of eyeballs. Who do you think he'll blame, huh?"
You leave the house and walk back into the forest. "You know," says the lucksucker, "I have a good feeling about this quest!" "Oh yes? Why's that?" you ask, as a cruel puppet drops from the tree onto your face. "I don't know. Just a hunch...
[Obscure] Spoiler: Solution of Clue #2 When you think you have to go to The Dark Forest you see the following after a while Quote: "So, you have no idea where we're going, do you?" asks the kobold. "Of course I do, we're... eh... off to see the wizard..." you reply. "And where is he?" "He's... eh... Hey, what's that?" The lucksucker looks up from the card he was playing with. "This? Oh, it's nothing, just some card that I found outside the wizard's house."
You walk over and look at it. "Port Foozle Casino," you read, "now catering for groups (slight monster infestation an issue). " Why didn't you say something about this earlier?!" "I didn't have a good feeling about it, so I just kept quiet when I found it." Restraining the urge to punch him in the face, you turn to the others. "Okay, now I know where we're going..."
So you have to head to The Abandoned Casino
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Post by Gomer Sting on Apr 22, 2010 22:07:39 GMT -5
Clue #3 There's something about a wizard party that makes it hard to miss. It might be the raucous laughter, the many drunken voices singing "Wanted Dead or Transmogrified" or the way that most of the furniture ends up running down the street or suffering extreme existential angst. As a fold out table bursts through the door and rears up in front of you before galloping down the hall, you suspect that you may have found the wizards you were looking for. You peek through the door. On the other side there is a gala wizard event in full swing, with all the accompanying light show, fireworks and tuxedo-wearing ice elementals serving drinks that you'd expect at such an affair. You slip in through the remains of the doors and take a drink from a passing elemental, who breaks off a couple of icicles from his chin and drops them into the glass for you before drifting off to service the other wizards. "Okay," you whisper, turning back to the others, "we need to keep a low profile, in case-" "Hur hur hur," chortles the Drunk (downing his fourth drink in the space of so many seconds) "ice el'mentals..." "-they don't want... what?" "Ice el'mentals! You know wha' dey say bout ice el'mentals..." You pause for a moment, considering the possible connections that the misfiring neurons in his brain were making before deciding that the odds of it being some great, secretive knowledge were greatly outweighed by the odds that it's a joke about how big their "icicles" are. "...Okay, so let's split up and try to find this Wizzard of Ag then. But please, try to be subtle-" you pause, considering that you're talking to not just a drunk, but the Drunk, a kobold and a lucksucker whose mere presence is probably enough to have them killed at a place like this. "Actually, maybe you two should wait outside, the Drunk and- Actually, maybe you three should wait outside and I'll find him..."
A few minutes later, with your three travelling companions safely secreted behind a rock, you rejoin the party. "So," you begin, addressing a small wizard, "I don't suppose you'd happen to know where I can find the Wizzard of Ag, do you?" "Ag? Oh he's around somewhere. I think he's chatting with the Grand Wizard. Want him to perform some great feat of magic do you? Heh heh heh..." He pats you on the shoulder before wandering over to a creature made entirely out of cocktail sausages and plucking off its wagging tail. You look around and spot the Grand Wizard all too easily. Most of the wizards were out to have a good time, but he was the only one who had grown to twice his size and was trying to juggle yipples. Off to one side was a tall, thin wizard with a ragged beard and "Wizzard" stitched into his hat. He looks oddly familiar, but you're not sure from where. He seems strangely out of place... "Excuse me?" you enquire "but are you the Wizzard of Ag?" He jumps, "What?! Who? Me? I eh, I may be... Why?" You glance warily at the Grand Wizard, now trying to limbo his way through the portal into the Granola dimension. "Could you come with me please? We desperately need your help, but this isn't really the place to talk about it."
Outside the cavern filled with partying wizards the group gathered around the Wizzard of Ag, who is looking warily at the kobold and the lucksucker. "Am I about to get mugged?" "What? No no no!" you exclaim, "we want your help! You see, this poor kobold has come to you in the hopes that you can give him a snarl, while this lucksucker needs some good luck, and the Drunk here is-...." You look around for the Drunk. "Eh, the Drunk is somewhere else right now, but he needs a new liver." "Oh, well if that's the case then I can probably help. But I can't just pull this stuff out of my hat, so first I'll need... let's see, first off I shall need the spines of one of the few plants that grow near the edge of the world. Then you'll have to travel to the only place in Quendor where seafood casserole is banned and get me one of their exquisite baskets. Once you're done with that come and find me. I'll probably still be here." "Okay, well thank you so much, we'll-" You stop short as the Drunk shoots by, riding on the back of a quickly melting ice elemental butler. "Oh dear..." You rush after him, the kobold and lucksucker in tow. Several very busy seconds later you're trying to pull him out of a broken roulette wheel as he slow rotates, occasionally giggling. On his breath you can smell mostly every kind of alcohol they were serving at the event (and several that you're pretty sure haven't even been invented yet). Hauling him to his feet, you pick a broken icicle out of his ear, which sets off something in the back of your mind. "What do they say about ice elementals then?" "Pfft, what'ya'mean? Every'un knows, the ladies love'em!" "Why would they love them specicfically?" "Is'like an iceberg, you know? They gots much more down below than you'd expect from looking at them! Hur hur hur..." "Oh for Yoruk's sake..." You groan. Maybe the edge of the world won't be quite far enough...
[Obscure] Spoiler: Solution of Clue #3 The description of the Kovalli Desert says Quote: his ancient wasteland once formed the western boundary of ancient Quendor, stretches to the edge of the world, and is said to be completely uncrossable. So, why not try cross it and see what loot's to be had on the other side?
Your next step is to go to the Kovalli Desert
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Post by Gomer Sting on Apr 22, 2010 22:08:05 GMT -5
Clue #4 "So, we were surrounded by these things for the past how many hours, and you only just now realised that they were what we were looking for all along?" asked the lucksucker innocently. "It was an easy mistake, anyone could have made it." you mutter, delicately plucking one spine after another off the cactus. "So easy that you had to wait for the drunk to sit on one, jump up and shout 'ow, you spiny mother word-I-don't-understand-ers'?" snapped the Kobold, delicately plucking one spine after another out of the Dunk's rear. "Em... yes?" "OW!!! Gerroff ye measly flee-bitten hound! Yer jus'- ARRHHH!!!!!" "There," says the kobold, "all done. Your rump is once again spine-free." "I'm done too," you straighten up, "so now we just need to find that basket he wanted... Anyone know anything about seafood casserole?"
[Obscure] Spoiler: Solution for Clue #4 Taking that what was said in Clue #3 we needed to find a place where seafood casserole is banned. The best fitting place for such things is the Crab Island which is your next step.
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Post by Gomer Sting on Apr 22, 2010 22:08:32 GMT -5
Clue #5 It's taken four whacky attempts at burglary, three embarrassing beatings from crabs and one even more embarrassing incident with the Drunk (you're still not sure why he choose that moment to fall over and pin you under him for a good ten minutes before the others were able to get him off you) but you finally have one of the crabs' famous claw-woven baskets. Okay, so it wasn't so much heroic daring-do as it was you asking politely how much it would cost to buy such a thing, but you still feel that you've achieved something here today! Now to get back and find that wonderful Wizzard of Ag.
[Obscure] Spoiler: Solution for Clue #5 The next step is clear. You need to go back to The Abandoned Casino
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Post by Gomer Sting on Apr 22, 2010 22:08:59 GMT -5
Clue #6 You cautiously peek around the shattered remains of the door to the gala opening. The room is largely deserted, apart from a prone grand wizard lying slumped on a table, mumbling in his sleep and shooting off the Occasional Fireball.
Well, it seems that regardless of whatever happened here, the Wizard of Ag is no longer here. You're not sure where he might be, but you're willing to bet there's someone who does...
You take cover behind an overturned table, pick up a discarded bottle and lob it over your shoulder at the Grand Wizard. You hear the expected crash, swearing and storm of fireballs smattering all over the walls above your head. When the smell of arcane fire subsides you peek over the table top.
"Oh, Grand Wizard! I didn't see you there. How are you?" "Urggggggggggh..." "Really? I wonder why. I don't suppose you know where the Wizard of Ag is?" "Argh...." "No, Ag." He fixes you with a stare that tells you in no uncertain terms that he knows what you said, you know what he said, and while he might not know, he has strong suspicions about who threw that bottle at him. "Sorry," you meekly smile, "but do you know where he is? Someone's life and my pride depend on me finding him, and soon"
With another groan, but slightly less fury in his eyes the Grand Wizard stretches out a hand and waves at the air. The room shimmers and tendrils of smoke appear, forming the rough outline of a shape, hovering tentatively in front of you. It looks like a square with a triangle lying on top of it...
You open your mouth to ask "What's that?" but the air being pulled into your lungs drags at the smoke, twisting it out of shape as it dissipates around you. You look back down to the Grand Wizard, whose head is now lolling back (his hat still curiously attached to his head, despite it being completely upside down), with small, smoky sheep circling the air above his head. Hmm, looks like you'll be figuring this one out on your own... again.
[Obscure] Spoiler: Solution of Clue #6 The smoke looks like a house and means the home of the wizard. It's the Gurth Woodland Trail
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Post by Gomer Sting on Apr 22, 2010 22:09:36 GMT -5
Clue #6 solved You lift the drunk onto your shoulder, ignoring his weakening protests, and continue down the Gurth Woodland Trail. At first it was tough searching every secret entrance to a glen, trying to find the Wizard's hut, but after a while you realised that you could make a lot more progress if you just asked the lucksucker "are we close?" every few minutes, and if he said "yes, I'm so sure of it!" then keep on walking. "Ohhhh," shuddered the lucksucker, "there's something really horrible around here! I fear we're all in terrible danger, and getting further and further from the Wizard of Ag!"
You pause as the bushes rustle and a small, adorable bunny rabbit hops across the path in front of you. "Hmm... interesting..." you mutter. You push your way through the bushes and, sure enough, there's the hut.
As you approach it you notice that the door has been fixed with a criss-crossing of boards, badly nailed in place. "Oh, at last I shall have my luck!" exclaimed the lucksucker. "And I shall have my snarl!" added the kobold. "N'I'll 'av my... urgggggggh" mumbled the Drunk. "And I'll have some kudos amongst the other adventurers for saving the life of the world's greatest drunk." You grunt, shifting the weight on your shoulder "anyway, Saturday nights in Port Foozle just wouldn't be the same with the sound of your lonesome singing..." You reach the door and, as you're opening your mouth to call out to the Wizard, the door falls off its hinges. Thinking that it'll take quite a lot to surprise you at this stage, you step through the frame, enter the room and, rather irritatingly, stop in surprise. In the middle of the room is a metal bathtub, partially ringed by with plastic curtain, a bucket suspended over it, steaming water running through some holes and over the man standing naked in it, singing "You ain't nothin' but a hellhound". Noticing the new breeze he turns to look at you, jumps, and pulls the curtain around in front of him.
"Eh, who dares disturb the Wonderful Wizard of Ag?! Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! ...And hand him a towel for Yoruk's sake..." You gingerly put down the Drunk as the Kobold hurries over to hand him a towel. A few seconds later he's standing defiantly in front of you, towel wrapped around his waist, with his beard covering most of his torso. "So, em... what can I do for you?" "Oh great Wizard of Ag, we've gathered all the things you asked us to, and now we return, hoping that you'll be able to give this unfortunate lucksucker some better luck, this pussycat of a Kobold a new snarl and this poor Drunk a new liver." "Ay! New'iver peas!" "Oh, yes! Well... em... well, Mr. Kobold, I'm sure throughout the adventure you were put in many perilous situations where you had to go above and beyond the call of duty to save your friends. You see, a snarl is not something that can be earned, but something that's been within you all along!" "What? No, I had to keep saving him from monsters! He didn't do anything! We kept forgetting he even existed..." "Oh, really? Well, em... what about you, Mr. Lucksucker? In the course of this adventure I bet you've discovered that 'luck' is just a construct of people's imagination and coincidence. Your fate is not in the lap of some aloof power, but rather you make your own luck through your actions and determination!" "Not really," you reply, "he's the most unlucky creature I've ever come across. Every single prediction or call that he tried to make was wrong!" "... And you, Mr. Drunk, I'm sure that during the adventure you came found that... oh my, is he meant to be that colour?!" "Not really, no" "He's really sick! Hmm, I'll call Dr. Frank'n'shine around, he lives nearby and seems to have a lot of organs lying around. He's pretty good with a knife and seems to know his way around people's insides..." "But what about these two?" you exclaim, point at the lucksucker and kobold. "You haven't done anything to help them!" "Oh, very well then. You, lucksucker, just do the opposite of what you think you should do! If you have a really good hunch, ignore it. As for you, kobold, buy yourself a HUGE axe. You'll find that that does the snarling for you, I think. Now, if you would wait outside, I can get this man ready for his surgery."
Some time later, as you're standing in the grove outside the hut, the lucksucker wafts over to you. "Do you really think what he said would work? With me just doing the opposite of what I feel?" "I guess so, it's what I've been doing since this adventure started."
The lucksucker opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by the Drunk who jumped out the window, a fresh scar running across his naked torso and a bottle of medicinal alcohol in one hand, a pair of ruby-encrusted boots in the other. He tosses you the boots over the shouts of alarm from within the hut. "Th'iver's GREAT! Than's!" He takes a swig from the bottle before running off into the woods. You watch him barging through the bushes. You should probably follow him or something, but you're sure he'll find his own way home. Then again, given that your only reward is a pair of stolen boots, you should probably get away from here as soon as possible... "Good luck, guys!" you shout at the Kobold and Lucksucker as you run into the forest, "try to stay away from over-eager adventurers. Me, for example..."
You should probably follow him or something, but you're sure he'll find his own way home. Then again, given his history of indecent exposure, it may be a better idea to guide him back to Port Foozle yourself...
"Good luck, guys!" you shout at the Kobold and Lucksucker as you run into the forest, "try to stay away from over-eager adventurers. Me, for example..."
[Obscure] Spoiler: Last step Head back to Port Foozle
[Obscure] Spoiler: Quest solved You recline on your barstool, a celebratory drink in your hand, safe in the knowledge that everything's back to normal. You don't even bother turning around when you hear the crash behind you. The screams alone are enough to tell you that the Drunk has just entered the establishment wearing little to nothing, and is about to begin his famous impersonation of Dimwit Flathead eating a kebab. As the city guards rush past you to restrain him and an impressinable young lady faints. You take a sip from your drink, smiling faintly. Yep, everything's back to normal...
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